Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
