got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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