bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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