u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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