I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
