I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We had sex on a dog bed..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
