Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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