I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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