it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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