Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
