we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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