Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
