why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
