I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
