I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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