Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
