She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
