Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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