When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
