I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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