I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
