Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
