Cold hands, warm shart.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Every concussion has its silver lining
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
