my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
