remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
