i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
