i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
