3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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