I'm really into asian looking animals
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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