He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
