Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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