Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
