i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
