I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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