mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
