Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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