omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize