If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
