i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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