She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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