i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
