there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
