dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
