Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
