So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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