is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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