so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
