i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I had to cum in my sink.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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