just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
