So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
