i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
