I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
