Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
