in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
