what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
